This past weekend, I stepped into something new... I was invited as a lead speaker at an event on Sex, Intimacy, and Neurodiversity. I had prepared, reflected, and carried my heart into the space. But when it was my turn to speak, something unexpected happened — I blanked out. My nervous system froze, and all the words I had hoped to share scattered like leaves in the wind. I saw grey.
In the moment, I felt embarrassed. The self-judgment came quickly... "I failed. I should have done better. Why couldn’t I just say what I planned?" But then, something deeper surfaced — the realization that what happened wasn’t failure at all. It was my nervous system doing exactly what nervous systems do when they perceive threat or overwhelm: moving into freeze to protect me. And isn’t that the very heart of what I teach? That our bodies are always speaking, always protecting, always guiding us back to safety?
The freeze response isn’t a mistake. It’s the body’s ancient way of pausing when things feel too much, too big, too fast. While my mind judged the blank-out as a failure, my body was showing me a live demonstration of the very nervous system wisdom I often share with clients and families. In a way, my body became my teacher in that moment.
Intimacy — whether with ourselves, our partners, or our communities — isn’t about polished perfection. It’s about showing up authentically. Sometimes that means words flow like poetry. Other times, it means we stumble, freeze, or fall silent. And still, connection is possible. In fact, intimacy deepens when we allow our full humanity to be seen — even the messy, uncomfortable parts.
What I wish I had said in that moment is this: Sex and intimacy aren’t just about pleasure or performance. They are about connection — to our bodies, our partners, our nervous systems, and our truth. And when we can honor the ways our bodies respond — whether through desire, vulnerability, or even freeze — we open new doorways to compassion and presence.
Instead of letting my embarrassment define me, I am choosing to let it empower me. This experience reminded me that courage doesn’t always look like delivering a perfect speech. Sometimes courage looks like showing up, freezing, and then staying present enough to keep going.
So if you’ve ever frozen, gone blank, or felt like you failed in a moment that mattered to you — know this... you are not a failure. You are human. Your nervous system is wise. And every time you show up, even imperfectly, you build resilience and deepen your capacity for connection.
My invitation — to myself and to you — is to embrace those moments when the body takes over. To meet ourselves with compassion instead of criticism. To remember that intimacy and connection are born not from flawless delivery, but from authentic presence.
Because in the end, it’s not about never freezing. It’s about learning how to thaw with grace, compassion, and connection.
With love and gratitude,
Tovah Petra
Tovah Petra
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