At the core of every human nervous system are two essential longings:
To be held.
And to be free.
And to be free.
These are not just abstract desires — they’re deeply felt needs, wired into the body from the beginning.
To be held is the need for connection, safety, and secure attachment. It’s the experience of being met emotionally — of having someone stay with you, not abandon or fix you, when you’re vulnerable, tender, or dysregulated.
To be free is the need for authenticity, self-expression, and autonomy. It’s the ability to take up space, speak your truth, and move in your natural rhythm without fear of being punished, rejected, or made small.
Most of us didn’t grow up with both.
Many of us learned we could be held only if we performed, pleased, or stayed “small.”
Or that we could be free only if we disconnected from others to protect our truth.
Many of us learned we could be held only if we performed, pleased, or stayed “small.”
Or that we could be free only if we disconnected from others to protect our truth.
This is where somatic work comes in.
Because the body remembers.
And in relationship, these old patterns surface.
And in relationship, these old patterns surface.
If someone shuts down, lashes out, or goes numb when things get hard — that’s not “bad communication.”
That’s a nervous system doing its best to stay safe.
Without capacity in the body, relationship gets lost.
To build capacity, we must learn to feel safely in connection.
Not just cognitively — but somatically.
Not just cognitively — but somatically.
To stay with sensation.
To breathe through discomfort.
To allow emotion to rise and move without shutting it down.
To breathe through discomfort.
To allow emotion to rise and move without shutting it down.
This is the kind of embodied presence that creates secure love — especially in intimate partnership.
For men, this might look like:
“Can I stay with her emotion without needing to fix or flee?”
“Can I feel her energy rise without collapsing or controlling it?”
“Can I stay regulated in my body, so she can trust hers?”
“Can I stay with her emotion without needing to fix or flee?”
“Can I feel her energy rise without collapsing or controlling it?”
“Can I stay regulated in my body, so she can trust hers?”
For women:
“Can I allow my full emotional truth to surface?”
“Can I trust that I don’t have to shrink or manage him to feel safe?”
“Can I soften and stay open, even when it feels edgy?”
“Can I allow my full emotional truth to surface?”
“Can I trust that I don’t have to shrink or manage him to feel safe?”
“Can I soften and stay open, even when it feels edgy?”
Feeling with each other — in real time — is the medicine.
When we bring co-regulation, nervous system attunement, and emotional permission into the field of love, both people begin to experience a radical truth:
I can be fully held.
I can be completely free.
And I don’t have to choose between the two.
I can be completely free.
And I don’t have to choose between the two.
This is the heart of somatic relationship work.
Not perfection, not control — but presence.
Nervous systems learning to dance with one another.
With care and devotion to the body’s wisdom,
Tovah Petra 🌹
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